2004-03-03
[I wrote this on Saturday but am posting it on Wednesday.]
Yesterday our daycare closed due to a ridiculously small amount of snow. B had a big work deadline so I stayed home with Clay, or rather, I took Clay out and about so B would have peace to work. We went to the mall in hopes of getting his hair cut. The back and sides are ridiculously long (the butchering at my hands affected only the bangs) and the past few times we've been at malls, we've tried to get walk-in appointments but have been thwarted by insanely long waits. So this time I called ahead and got an appointment. And were thwarted by Clay's refusal to cooperate. So I gave up and let him ride the carousel run by the old hippie guy. Then we went to the hobby shop to buy popsicle sticks and to the food court for some bourbon chicken and vegetables from the Cajun place. Then we tried yet another hair salon to no avail. Then we left the mall and did some grocery shopping and on the drive home he conked out. I was afraid to transfer him to his crib, so I let him sleep in the car, going out to check on him every so often. Unable to concentrate sufficiently to work, I put the food away and started dinner. Later, after he was in bed for the night, I felt too deserving of a break to do any work.
So, today B agreed to take Clay--to the dump, to a music store, to lunch--while I spirited myself to a cafe. And here I sit, having gotten quite a bit accomplished.
Earlier this week I learned that a good friend, my former co-worker whose son is five months Clay's junior, is pregnant again. It was planned, though it happened a bit sooner than expected, and she's happy but a little freaked out. I'm still firmly ensconced on my fence on the second child matter. Sometimes I hear about families with three or four kids and it all sounds so appealing but then there are days when I believe another would just push me over the edge. I still cling to the idea of having some Time to Myself, and at times like this, I actually get it (except that I'm supposedly working at the moment, though this is not always the case). And I have heard tell that child #2 effectively eliminates Time to Oneself, and I believe it. But then I think, hey, it doesn't last forever. And the thought of our tiny family remaining tiny feels a little sad to me.
So, as usual, I dunno. I really can't recall ever having been so absolutely ambivalent about anything. I find it hard to imagine regretting having another. I know that a lot of people struggle with similar issues when deciding to have one kid, and I've found that the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices, and imagine this would be the case with two as well. It's funny, this kind of feels like that decision all over again, only harder, because I know what we're getting ourselves into.
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