2003-03-04
(First of three newish entries is here.)
Today after picking Clay up at day care, I realized I wasn't in the mood to go right home. It was nice outside--around 60--and it occurred to me to stop by a playground in our old neighborhood that's right on the way home. It was Clay's first visit to a playground and he seemed to like it. He toddled around with a smile on his face and seemed unfazed when an older child stepped on him. (I was slightly more fazed.)
I chatted briefly with another mother. It feels like such a phenomenon, the mothers-at-playground thing. Something I've sort of felt excluded from since I work all day. But there were quite a few moms with kids there, as well as a couple dads. I was thinking of asking some of my acquaintances with kids if they'd ever want to meet me there, either in the early evenings or maybe weekend mornings. We could sit on a bench and chat while the kids toddle about.
I need to make the effort to interact with people. It's very easy for me not to yet I benefit so much from the contact. It doesn't take a lot--a date every week or two would probably be enough.
I also need time to myself. A few entries back I was euphoric about having a day completely free and to myself, Presidents' Day, a rare day that Clay's child care was open and work was closed. (I'm trying to get into the habit of saying child care instead of day care because a woman who works in that field told me they find it more respectful.) Well, it snowed that day, heavily, and the child care center closed and I was housebound with Clay while B had to work. I was very disappointed. I think I might have been sort of a raging maniac, in fact.
This past Saturday afternoon B was heading to a distant mall and he took Clay along with him and I went to the movies. I saw The Hours, which was good enough. I didn't need it to be great, I just needed it to hold my attention to the degree that I could escape for two hours. I found the experience surprisingly refreshing; I spent almost all of Sunday with Clay and really enjoyed myself. Enjoyed him.
I'm realizing lately how much anger I have. How absolutely lousy I am at asking for things I need. I dislike needing things, dislike having to ask. So I don't, and then I get enraged. Furious. I become very pissy and petulant. It's really quite toxic and a person would have to love me a lot to put up with it. Which B apparently does but I really need to not push it. The psychic I talked to a couple months back said as much. Her exact words, as I recall, were: "The pissiness has to stop."
It seems that a relationship that has coasted along with spotty communication for years can show serious signs of wear when a kid enters the scene. Things are just tighter--space, time, money--and there's suddenly so much more to do. Much more negotiation, compromise. Some of us handle this transition more gracefully than others. I would perhaps be in the less graceful camp.
There have been rough patches, and there will no doubt continue to be more of them. But we're getting better at working through them, and I find that heartening. It feels kind of remedial at times, borderline embarrassing cliche. But who cares? The whole thing is kind of a cliche. Which is difficult for a terminally unique gal to handle. But I'm doing okay with it.
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