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2002-07-18

Clay has begun to say consonants! This is far more exciting than it probably sounds. After six months of aaaahhhs and ooohs and grunts, to hear him say "Ba! Ba! Ba!" is quite a thill. He's not referring to anything in particular when he says this, it seems. It's more that he's just practicing this new skill. It makes him seem like a person, one who will be talking before too long. It's really markedly different from what he was doing only a week ago. It seems much more deliberate.

So, last week I turned 39 and promptly felt an uncharacteristic wave of depression so pronounced that I called my old therapist to see about taking up again. The day of our appointment, the big boss at work called everyone together and told us that our company had been acquired. An hour later, we had a new benefits orientation.

The benefits, on the whole, cost more and offer less. One of the things no longer covered on the health plan is therapists outside the network (the old plan covered 70% of the cost). My therapist, it seems, can't be bothered to get onto insurance plans' lists. I guess she has enough clients willing to pay directly. This annoys me to the extent that I no longer even know if I want to work with her, even though she said she'd consider doing the paperwork to get onto the list if they will take her.

But back to the acquisition. It's hard to tell if this is exciting or scary or what. A week before this news I was considering options to the present work situation: another job--or field--altogether, trying to work out a job-sharing arrangement with the coworker who's currently on maternity leave, and some others as well.

I'm suitably ambivalent about this job that I can't see this as a bad thing. It will be some time--and I really don't know how much time--before the dust settles. Meantime, everything is very much up in the air. And it's okay.

And just to clarify, the depression seemed to have little to do with getting older per se. I really don't object to that. It's more the taking stock that comes with birthdays, I guess. I was feeling kind of trapped in my life. The sameness of the days. It's kind of weird because I don't so much feel this way anymore, but I want to listen to this and really explore my options as far as employment. As far as everything, really.

How do I want my life to be?

It's not all completely up for grabs, no, but some of it might be, and I'd like to be deliberate, to make choices and not just let inertia rule. It's possible that this job makes sense for me for now (of course, whether it makes sense to the new powers that be is another question).

The idea that fate might intervene and send my life down a new path, that the way I spent my days could change dramatically without my having to make an actual decision, is kind of exciting.

It helps that I have a healthy amount of money in the bank.

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