2000-04-20
I'm in one of those inexplicable happy moods. Just thought I'd let you know.
I've been feeling kind of restless lately. I don't feel any less restless now, but somehow the restlessness isn't troubling me.
Lately I feel much less certain of things. To be more specific, I feel less certain about the way things should be. Historically, I have been one who believes she knows exactly the way things should be. The fact that the world seldom matches up with my mental picture had made for lots of outrage on my part.
I suspect I can thank my father for this aspect of my personality. One of the few emotions I recall him expressing during my childhood was outrage. I can hear him saying, in his quiet, stern way, "This is outrageous. "
Am I actively trying? Or is it happening on its own? I seem to be growing more open to life as it presents itself and less fixated on the gulf between reality and my personal vision.
I prefer living this way, unclenched.
Less clenched, at any rate.
Once I heard a woman say something that blew my mind. She was in the middle of a complete nightmare at work, dealing with litigation and the strong likelihood of losing her job. She said, "I ask myself: What if things are unfolding exactly the way they are supposed to?"
Had she not put it in the form of a question, had she said, "I tell myself everything that happens is God's will," I think I would have dismissed the sentiment. But expressing it as she did, just suggesting the possiblity, the idea wormed its way into my thinking.
And at times when I'm particularly frustrated by the world's refusal to cooperate with my plans, I ask myself that same question. What if?
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