2004-04-13
I'm listening to this book on tape in the car, Ann Landers' letters to her daughter Margo. They are kind of boring but I'm finding it very compelling. Eppie Lederer (AL's real name) was right around my mother's age and grew up, as my mother did, one of a small number of Jews in Iowa. So there's something comforting about listening to these letters. She had only the one child, who was indulged quite a bit by both parents. Eppie portrays her husband as the spoiler while she takes the harder line, but then there are throw-aways such as, "If you make the dean's list, you can have a Jaguar."
Last week B's sister and her family came through town on their way to Disney World. They stayed at a motel but joined us for an evening. It was great watching Clay interact with his cousins, and he cried when they left. We must make more of an effort to invite people over. It's always such a herculean task, primarily because of all the cleaning involved (you know, CHAOS--can't have anyone over syndrome.) My way is just to invite people as is (love me, love my mess) but B refuses. I know that theoretically one can keep a house relatively clean on a regular basis but this just doesn't seem possible to me.
I'm reading some more stuff about happiness lately and coming to the conclusion that being happy is very analogous to being physically fit. Some have more of a natural predisposition than others but for most, achieving the state requires regular effort. One develops good habits then carries them out whether one feels like it or not. Of course, you can also add tidiness to this same list.
It all boils down to work, to accepting responsibility for oneself, to discipline, to letting go of the appealing illusion that there's some magical substitute for work. I do believe that achieving this kind of discipline is the key to happiness. Not always the key to pleasure, which is fleeting, but to long-term satisfaction and peace with oneself. Knowing this intellectually does not always translate to action, needless to say. If it did, our house would remain far tidier than it does. But at least I know it, and the older I get, the harder this is to ignore.
Ann Landers was a big one for work, for discipline, and hearing her admonishments to her daughter is bracing. She's very supportive and complimentary but doesn't hesitate to call Margo to task on the frequent occasions that she doesn't live up to her potential. I don't recall either of my parents ever doing this for me and I wish they had. They were supportive and complimentary but let me get away with a great deal of laziness.
I'm old enough that I can't comfortably blame them--at this point, it's certainly up to me to conduct myself the way I believe is best--but I do see some cause and effect there. B's parents, by contrast, were not especially supportive but they worked him hard and he has an excellent work ethic to this day.
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