2004-03-11
Don't know about the gratitude thing. I mean, putting it here. I think the stuff is going to get smaller and smaller and possibility embarrassing to share.
One of the suggestions in that book I mentioned, the one about the ways that endless options can drive one insane, was to make certain decisions irreversible. The author specifically mentioned deciding to remain married to one's spouse (something I have done).
I realize that are other times I've done this in my life. Back when I was single, I was constantly debating whether to stay in the town where I was living or to move. It was driving me insane. I looked to every guy that came down the pike to help me decide until finally, one day something snapped and I knew that I had to get out of limbo--I had to move or buy a house. It felt akin to the point in a relationship where the couple needs to break up or to marry. (Of course, houses can be sold and divorces can be had but you get my point.) So I bought a house. And lived in it for close to seven years, when B and I moved to our present house in the woods.
I haven't shared too much of it here, but for a long time I was pretty obsessed about our moving out of this house in the woods. I had come to see the house and its remoteness from town as the source of all that was lacking in my life. This was a big problem because B was (is) really happy with our house and the community in which it's located.
And at a certain point I decided to just let it go, to accept that this is where we live now. To take it as a given. To decide to make the decision irreversible for now and to make the best of it. Because examining stuff like this on a daily basis really can drive one to the brink. And things are a lot better.
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Yesterday for the first time ever, Clay threw a screaming, kicking fit when B dropped him off at daycare. Usually he waltzes right in with nary a glance backward. B thought it might be some residual stress from the fire/evacuation incident two nights before. When I picked him up, the director--who has revealed herself on numerous occasions to be a nut, but mostly the good, loving kind of nut--told me that if Clay continues to act that way she won't be able to keep him. WTF? She then posited a theory that Clay needs to spend more time with B and that I need to set firmer limits for Clay. She dismissed B's post-fire trauma theory out of hand.
As she spoke, I just kind of thought to myself "Whatever" and said, "Why don't we see if there's a pattern?" B, when I told him, was angrier. He used the word "unacceptable." In any event, this morning's dropoff went fine.
So that's one thing for which I'm grateful. It's hard to know how to categorize the, uh, regular stuff. Things like....
- All vehicles, utilities, and household appliances currently functioning properly.
- B and I both gainfully employed.
- No serious health problems (that I'm aware of).
- Relatives mostly sane and the exceptions leave us alone.
- No loved ones in prison.
You know, that kind of thing.
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