2003-01-09
Well, I would've sent C back to daycare today or even yesterday but B felt more comfortable keeping him home so that's what we're doing.
When I picked him up from the hippie's house Monday, his diaper was as heavy as it is after an extra-long night's sleep; did she change him at all? He seemed happy, though--he very rarely seems unhappy--so we took him back the next day.
Then yesterday and today a woman I used to work with--a warm yenta-type with grown children--is watching him at our house. This prompted us to do a major cleanup Tuesday night and to maintain the sense of order through today at least.
I really want to keep it tidy, will do all I can, but it is an uphill battle for me. I had a lightbulb go on this week because I got into a conversation with a coworker about chronically late people. I shared my theory that there is always a moment when a person knows that if she doesn't get in the shower or leave the house NOW that she will be late. And at that moment, instead of getting in the shower or leaving the house, the chronically late person says "Fuck it." She may not be fully cognizant of the decision, but it's a decision none the less. And we huffed for a few minutes at the nerve of these people who have so little respect and consideration for other people. And how lame their excuses are.
Then that night--I guess it was Tuesday--I realized that there is an equivalent moment when a messy person knows that if she doesn't put that coat in the closet or that dish in the dishwasher NOW she will be making a mess, and demonstrating an utter lack of respect and consideration for the person she lives with who needs a modicum of order to stay sane.
So, we'll see how this insight plays itself out in the days to come. I will say that it's very nice living in a tidy home.
One of the things the psychic pointed out, that is not exactly a news flash, is that I am filled with anger. "Angry with God," was the way she put it, and that seems fairly apt. It's kind of a huge, generalized sense of injustice mostly takes the form of petulance and exasperation but occasionally manifests itself as flat-out rage.
It is not, to put it mildly, making life any easier for me or those around me. She told me I need to work on it and that I need to kiss up to B every single day. I've been a bit difficult to be around lately, you see. I've been kind of a colossal downer. Carping, complaining, rolling my eyes, sighing heavily. B has somehow endured but even he has his limits.
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