2003-07-16
From an email to a friend:
The other day when I was renewing my driver's license, I saw two moms with 16-y-o sons getting their first licenses. One pair was pretty easy and warm with each other, though you still sense a bit of awkwardness. The other pair was VERY strained. I had this feeling that I will just blink my eyes and then I'll be there with Clay.
He has been a total hellion the past couple of days. Last night B and I were at the ends of our respective ropes, practically counting the minutes until dinner would be ready and we could eat then toss him into the crib for the night. This phase had better end soon.
Just so you know it's not all a bowl of cherries.
And what else is new? I switched my weekly therapy appointments to first thing Monday mornings instead of lunchtime Thursdays. First session at the new time was this week and I think it's going to be a lot more useful. We did it because I complained that he wasn't attentive enough and he said he was fresher in the morning. I'm less fresh in the morning, less sharp and less defended, a good thing for therapy. This week we got into some interesting territory regarding my feelings about my mother, the way the she mothered me.
I am fairly wracked with ambivalence about so many aspects of this mothering thing. At times--okay, on a daily basis--I blame and resent the hell out of B for one thing or another but the truth is that my own internal conflicts are the real issue. I suspect that if/when I manage to achieve my own clarity the rest will fall into place. Not effortlessly, but without the kinds of struggles we've been having.
So, the shrink asked what I imagine my mother was like when I was Clay's age and what came instantly to mind, what I said, was "Warm. And distracted." Which is a pretty accurate assessment of how I am with Clay now. Which I find pretty interesting.
What's also interesting is this issue of attentiveness, which is turning out to be very central for me. The shrink's inadequate attentiveness to me (or what I perceived that way) was a big deal. B believes I pay inadequate attention to Clay at times, and I believe he might be right. I'm dreamy, you know. For so very long my life was so barren that I developed the habit of shifting my mind elsewhere. It is a habit hard to break.
In more quotidian news, we're refinancing the house; we close tomorrow morning. We got a 30-year fixed for 5.375. Be still my penny-pinching heart.
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