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2001-06-25

I was talking to my friend Susan yesterday. She'd told one of her friends, whom I've met, that I'm having a kid. And, she added, I told him that you're still you, that I can still talk to you.

This has come up before, her surprise that this pregnancy hasn't turned me into an alien. I guess my primary respone to this is a kind of relieved pride. The thought that this event would cause a transformation so profound as to disrupt my dearest friendship--well, that is a disturbing thought. I would certainly like to think that however the external realities of our lives evolve, Susan and I will always be able to talk to each other in the rich, engaging way we've both come to count on.

But there's also a little something else going through my mind. Her remark made me think of something the writer Tim O'Brien has said. He writes about Viet Nam. People sometimes say to him, "I don't usually like books about Viet Nam, but I like yours." And that when they do, he imagines these people going up to a black person and saying, "I don't usually like black people, but I like you." (He's also said that people ask him when he's going to stop writing about Viet Nam and he wonders whether people ask Toni Morrison when she's going to stop writing about being black.)

I don't think Susan was saying to me, "I don't usually like pregnant women, but I like you." For me to infer that would really be looking for trouble.

And we've been here before. When I was getting married, I think she and I went through a similar thing where she was a little nervous that our relationship would change, that I would become one of Them. And as I believe I've written here, I've been happy whenever she and my other single friends point out--as more than one has done--how remarkable it is that I haven't been completely assimilated, that I can stil relate.

Karen, of the journal Thought Experiment, has been exploring a lot of these issues recently, from the vantage point of having a five-month old. How that affects relationships with childless friends. I think that's been in the back of my mind throughout my thinking about this remark of Susan's.

Anyway, I'm not complaining. One of the advantages to never having felt like I fit in anywhere is the ability to relate to other real or self-perceived outsiders. It's a huge advantage, really, because outsiders are always the ones who interest me the most. I guess you could say they're the ones with whom I fit in.

*

I ordered a prenatal yoga video that arrived today. I figure this might be good to do once or twice a week in addition to the Wednesday night class I've been attending. I've been doing my usual treadmill and weights--albeit to a lesser degree than before--but one thing I'm loathe to do is stretch and I think the structure of a video could help. We'll see.

I'm still holding off on maternity clothes. This morning I discovered in my closet a long black skirt and a sleeveless white top that it had not occurred to me could work during this awkward is-she-pregnant-or-just-fat stage. Quite a relief--I'm getting weary of my limited choices. From what I've read, I gather than one of these days I will "pop" and things will become quite obvious. Here's hoping that occurs after I've had a chance to sit down with my bosses.

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