Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2000-01-19

I'm thinking about how this phase of the journal might differ from the first

one. My life seems quite a bit more closed-in than it used to, largely

because of my change in jobs. Before, I worked at a university, sharing an

office with one other woman and one or two others in an adjacent office. We

all got along, and with little actual work to occupy us, the days could be

fairly social. Mid-morning excursions to the cafeteria or the student union

for coffee. Lunchtime forays into town once or twice a week, and on nice

days, strolls to Nearly New. Even the seven-minute walk from the parking lot

to the building was an opportunity to see people, to experience the weather,

to look into parked cars and imagine the lives of the people who drove them.

Now I get into my car and drive to an office park in the middle of nowhere.

I park about eight yards from the back entrance, pass my key fob in front of

the sensor to unlock the door, and walk down the corridor to my windowless

office, where I pretty much spend the day. I arrive around nine and leave

around five, so I stay in at lunchtime, eating food I've brought from home.

I run into people in the kitchen and the bathroom, and I have two standing

meetings each week, but almost all other contact is through email. The

people here are very focused; one-on-one they are all friendly enough, but

something about the culture of the place is very solemn, almost funereal.

God, I'm depressing myself, here.

One advantage, though, is how it affects things between B and me. He's

self-employed, works at home, with just the dogs to keep him company (I

could really go for one of them curled under my desk during the day.)

Before, when I spent the day in constant interaction with co-workers, I was

acutely aware of never being alone. I was his sole human contact, and he'd

await my return each evening with eagerness. I was happy to see him but

sometimes wanted to be left alone. Now I come home to him and the dogs and

am thrilled to see them all.

I started this job a month before the wedding, got an advance on my vacation

to take eight days off for the wedding and honeymoon (we rented a beach

house for a week, took the dogs). That meant that Christmas and New Years

were just two three-day weekends for me, after years of taking off at least

ten days. The first weekend we made a marathon drive to New Jersey where B's

parents live. The second weekend we stayed here. It was freakishly warm-in

the high sixties-and we played tennis and rode bikes. We shopped and cooked

and lolled around reading. I confirmed what I've known all along, that I'm

perfectly capable of amusing myself without a job to take up a quarter of my

waking hours.

Last winter, when I was on the verge of quitting my job at the university, I

decided instead to take a two-month unpaid leave for January and February.

Every weekday morning I went to a cafe and put in two or three hours on the

book, that's when I made some very serious headway. Then I'd come home and

make lunch and at one o'clock B and I would watch this TV show we were

obsessed with--I can't remember the name.

They'd have a real-life couple who were "at a crossroads in their

relationship," send each of them on a blind date with someone who was

theoretically much better suited and then all four would come on and talk

about the dates. Finally the original two would go off and make independent

decisions about what they wanted to do. Then they'd return with cards in

their laps and raise them to reveal whether they'd chosen to "Stay Together"

or had a "Change of Heart." (Oh, that's what the show was called, Change of

Heart.) Almost invariably, the most miserable couples would stay together.

The really painful ones were when one would want to stay together and the

other would have a change of heart. God, I'd forgotten all about that show

until now. I wonder if it's still on.

So, anyway, the days are a little more predictable now.

previous - next

join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com