2001-02-21
Hi there. Yes, it's been a while. Among other things, I was out of town for several days, a work-related trip the San Francisco area. It was odd to find myself travelling mid-week with a laptop and actual work I needed to do on the plane. I felt like a young professional, my bohemian-slob attire notwithstanding.
And speaking of work, I got my first-ever promotion and a healthy raise along with it. Shocking! This is really wreaking havoc with my self-image.
Before my trip, I had the pleasure of meeting Renee, one of the grandes dames of the online journal universe. Way back when I started the original incarnation of this site, Renee wrote to warmly welcome me. It was great to meet her and talk about the people I know--in most cases--only from their words.
I liked the time I spent in the Bay area, felt a kind of easy sympatico that I'm not used to. All my usual where-do-I-belong questions surfaced. I really don't know. I'm pretty sure it's not here, where we presently live, but I don't know of any compelling alternative. Not that it matters so much, seeing as B, having finally adjusted to this area after relocating here for me, is not inclined to move again. But of course I wonder.
I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and I don't know--can't know--whether that's a function of the places I've lived or whether it's just who I am, a feeling I would take with me no matter where I went. Or a little of both.
I once read an interview with Raymond Carver where the interviewer asked about place in his work and he shrugged and said most of his stories took place indoors. Most of my life takes place indoors, in our house, and I do wonder how much it matters where the house is located. Though maybe if we lived somewhere else there would be more compelling reasons to leave the house.
I suspect this feeling is partly winter-induced. When the weather gets warm and we can go camping and canoeing I think I'll feel more appreciative of life in these parts. Though I don't think I'll ever really feel that this is where I fit in. And I don't know whether that's something to accept or something to work on changing. For now I guess it is a question to live with.
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